“People don’t take drugs to have a terrible time. No one says ‘Hey, I want to get fucked up and be miserable’ they say ‘I wanna have a really good time, I’mma take drugs”. The argument was convincing, highly convincing. I looked at him, really looked at him, studied him, and gauged how much I trusted in him. With only a moments pause, I look him in the eyes and opened my mouth, waiting for him to drop those tiny squares of paper in it. Those little squares that will forever change my life.

                It was freezing in our room. Mark isn’t one to enjoy paying bills (I mean, who does) so he wouldn’t have the heat turned on. At all. Not even one little iota of eat was escaping those gaping heating vents. Instead he used space heaters. The argument of “space heaters suck and I’m freezing” never seemed to matter to him. But laying in our room together, cuddled under the blankets, I have to admit, it wasn’t so bad.

                I remember the movie Zac And Miri Make A Porno was playing on the television at the foot of our bed. “Just forget you ate it and watch the movie” he cooed in my ear.  I closed my eyes to the sound of his voice, taking it all in, wrapping myself in it, finding comfort in the things I was sure I would have to draw on later to get me through this trip. Leaning over I gently kissed him on the cheek. Breathing in his scent I laid back on his chest and continued to watch the movie.

                Slowly my eyes start to wander. Our room is a beautiful compilation of the both of us. His art, my art, his posters, both of our books, knickknacks, and clothes are strategically placed everywhere. A blue man with a deeper blue guitar sits crossways, seemingly propped up by the closet door. Love birds perched on a branch overlook a red and orange sunset. Einstein lounged above our bed telling us “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love”. Buddha calmly meditated on a tapestry encompassing the ceiling, showering tinged blue light and rays of white throughout the bedroom. Still there is more and more to take in.

Endlessly my eyes pass over things until they fall on the Sublime poster above our television. The smiling sun with its psychedelic rays is always something to behold, but this time I noticed something vastly different about it. I blinked a few times in rapid succession, focused once again, and…yep, that’s what I thought, the rays of the sun were moving.  Not just moving, they were undulating, dancing, swaying, as if they themselves were listening to any Sublime song and grooving to it.

“Oh Gods,” I thought, “can’t go back now.” I look over at Mark and can see that he is scanning the bedroom with his eyes, as I had been doing. I hold tighter to him, breathing him in. I lay my head on his chest once more and listen to his heartbeat. “This is good. This is safe” I tell myself. I wanted to convince myself that the sound of his heartbeat was safe for me. As long as I had his heartbeat to listen to nothing could hurt me, no bad trip would befall me. My new temporary mantra repeated lovingly in my head, “This is good. This is safe”.

I had no idea when the movie ended. Just suddenly, it was over. Mark turned off the t.v. and turned on the music. He told me earlier he had made a special playlist just for tonight. Considering the entire world of powerful music created by true musicians that Mark had opened me up to since we met, I looked forward to the playlist he put together for us for this night.  Very first song I hear “Secret Crowds” by Angels and Airwaves.  My heart feels as though it could literally melt down into my stomach area from the heat of the love I feel. These songs, these lyrics, it’s all too perfect. “Secret Crowds” was the first song Mark sent to me, and its message is very evident through its lyrics: “If I had my own world, I’d fill it with wealth and desire, a glorious past to admire….If I had my own world, I’d build you an empire, from here to the far lands, to spread love like violence…” It was the very first glimpse of hope I had that he felt for me as I felt for him. And now here we were, wrapped in our bed together, nighttime covering the world outside of us, soft green light flowing into our bedroom from the closet, and these almost painfully exquisite lyrics and notes enveloping us in our first trip together.

“This is good. This is safe.” Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

I’m not sure which is my body. I don’t even feel as though I have a body. I’ve always known we were One, but I’ve never been gifted to feel it before! I have no end, I am the beginning, he is the beginning, we are the end and we are One.

Every new song emits some new emotion. I’ve just been laying here in bed going with the music…right? I’ve been laying here? How long have I been laying here? These songs…these songs are tied to me. I’m not sure if each new song dictates my emotions, or if my emotions are dictating each new song. I start to believe the latter. I control the music. This all powerful beautiful experience is Me.

I find myself playing with Marks hand. The beauty of it, the rawness of it, sharing, entanglement, sensuality, running my fingers up his palm. His fingers finding the places missing between mine where they fit…where they fit! I’m going to explode! My heart is going to leap right out of my chest and dance for me in front of my own eyes. My hands, his hands, they dance together in the most erotic way.

I look to him and his smile is worthy of God. Forget that, his smile shows me he IS a God. The energy he emits, the very essence of him, his scent, his taste, his lust, his thoughts…HIM. He is a God. In turn, as am I. I am deserving of him, and when Gods combine there is nothing to stop them. There is nothing, on this plane or any other, that he and I cannot do together.

“I’ve never seen you act like this.” The voice is so far away. Something is tickling the inside of my thighs.

“Act like what?” How am I acting? What have I been doing even? What happened to that song I was listening to?

“Like a fifteen year old virgin.” Mark says, and I see him smile. 

“You tickle.” I giggle, as I raise his face from my thighs to shower me in kisses. His beard doesn’t tickle my face as it does the more delicate parts of me.

“I’ve been waiting to taste you this whole time. Stop being ticklish” he chides.

I inhale deeply and watch as he retreats from me down to my stomach, kissing down to my hips, trailing down to my thighs, all the while never breaking eye contact with me. When his probing tongue finds my quivering clitoris I almost break apart. My entire body feels as though it is one giant sex organ.

Every nerve in me is awakened to him, aware of his every molecule and responding to the way they all move within him. My blood vessels unravel themselves from my body just to reach for him. Synapse pauses to stare in awe at the magnificent being of light that has blessed me, chosen me, with his love. All love. Emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.  It seeps from him, not able to be contained in his mere human body.

I have no recollection of how to breathe, yet I am panting heavily. I look above me and there is Mark smiling down at me. He lowers himself to kiss me coinciding with him entering me. I feel his cock stretch me, not quite painfully so, but absolutely more than noticeably. I hear him shudder and lose his breath as he plunges the complete depth in to me. I inhale and rise to meet him, hips to hips. I hear his heartbeat, the sweat beads off him and rains down on me.

There is no separation any longer. I am him, he is me. Our bodies move like waves on the ocean, on and on and on, endlessly. Body wracking orgasms shake us both time and time again. I lock on to his eyes as he stares into everything that is me, and I join everything that is his sublime being. I have never loved like this, and I never will again. I am giving everything I have to this man, laying it all bare for him. And he loves me in return.

We love endlessly. Songs come and go, time has no bearing here.

Collapsing down on the bed beside each other I yearn to be as close to him as I can. I wiggle myself between the wall and him, reaching one arm up to stroke his face. “Monsoons” by Puscifer floats through the speakers.

Only you can bring the color in
You alone breathe the hope into our world
The patient, pleading ground
Without you, brittle, gray and brown

Only you can bring the color in
So I and mine can carry on to
You can bring the color in
So I and mine can carry on the way

I felt myself drift from my body. I was not afraid, it was welcoming. I saw everything else leave their physical bodies as well. Every living thing on this planet left its physical form with me. I floated above the Earth and watched as human, animal, and plant alike shed it corporeal form, and joined me out in the cosmos. We all traveled together. It seems we had a destination, a point, far beyond everything, that was our ultimate goal.  We were mingling, wrapping around each other, dancing together. I floated in and out of Time, I was absent of being. We were all absent of being, existing without limitations of Time. We were just being.

 I was an observer to this at the same time as I was a participant. I was part of the endlessly cosmic spiral at the same time as I was watching it happen from a distant point. I was inside, with the forms, feeling them swirl past me. Then I was outside, watching in wonder the raw magnificence that was being created by these beings just being.

We kept going, out and out and beyond and farther, together. We danced so where we all became just One. We collectively made it to Beyond, to the point we knew we were traveling to, where I realized that we, I, us, them…WAS Beyond. I traveled to a point far out in the cosmos that was me. While I was Participant and Observer, I was also Destination. I was everything, Everything was me, I was every point in Time and yet, there was only One point.

All of this realization flashed in a moment before me. As quickly as I had started my journey through the Universe it seemed it was over, and I slowly came crawling back into my body. I left that point, that Everything, that Spiraling One, and found my suddenly very foreign and unpleasant human form.  As I settled back into my body I noticed my eyes felt cold, almost as if they had cold gel on them. I touched them and realized…I was crying.

The moment, the realization, was so perfectly blindingly beautifully brilliantly exquisite, that I was crying.

I looked beside me, and there was Mark. There are no words. There is nothing to fully describe the overwhelming knowledge that struck me in that moment of how he and I are ultimate beings, far removed from human form, and how we melt together so phenomenally. He belonged with this revelation I was gifted. He belongs with me, I belong to him, as we are as One.